Why do I sound so stupid?
I am pretty sure if I proof-read everything I said online, be it entries here, instant messages or Facebook wall posts, I’d never actually get anything posted. Every time I read over something, there’s always something wrong with the wording or the tone, or it won’t flow right, or a bit won’t make sense, or I’ll realise I’ve tried (and failed) to be witty. I can’t possibly be trusted to self-moderate, because I either have to do none and live with thoughts as they pour out of my head, or everything gets moderated all to hell and I basically have to start over.
Probably nobody else gives it any thought. It’s just me, worrying excessively about how I sound in informal situations on the internet. But when, for example, I’m talking to someone I don’t know very well, or I am trying to get to know someone, I wonder about the formality of my tone, whether people will understand what I’m talking about (because when you hang around with the same people all the time, you can sometimes forget that not everyone will “get” turns of phrase that are idiosyncratic only to your group of friends), whether I am being too boring… I was seizing up with anxiety the first few times I @replied to Eleanor because I don’t know her that well. What if I’d said the wrong thing? Something accidentally offensive? Something that sounds stupid? Something condescending? Something arrogant? Why does everything I say sound so wrong all the time?!
Unfortunately, this is not a problem that’s limited to just online-land. When I am in a social situation where I’ll really want to make a good impression on someone, I start self-moderating my speech. It doesn’t happen so much with people I already know, or people who getting on with seems less important. The self-moderation-to-the-point-of-self-censorship happens usually at the point just before I open my mouth to speak to someone. I’ll realise — not that I’ve got nothing to say, but what I have to say is just a pile of worthless words that nobody would ever want to listen to. So at that point, I’ll have caught someone’s eye, maybe look like I have something to say, come up short and have to look away awkwardly, or I’ll just be gaping at the other person’s face not doing anything. Then I’ll get surging feelings of inadequacy and self-pity and stuff, and feel a load of regret for not just doing something.
I only barely got the hang of small-talk after working for two years through sixth form at a supermarket on a checkout. Even now, after commenting on the weather or the traffic with someone out in public just to stay polite, I’ll sometimes look back with horror at how foolish what I said sounded. Then my eyes will involutarily and painfully roll back in my head and I’ll give a little groan of agony whilst I’m walking away from a total stranger who probably had to wince a little at how ridiculous whatever-the-hell-I-said was.
My only in with people is laughing at their jokes or agreeing with their opinions on stuff. During that period, as long as I don’t come off like a guffawing retard with no sentience behind the ugly giggling, I might feel comfortable enough that the other person thinks I am ok, and then I can grab that tiny interpersonal crumple zone and plough into conversation, hoping the crash isn’t too bad. Otherwise I will be waiting for them to mention something that we have in common and build on that, but that limits the people I can get along with easily to the kind of person who talks a lot and about themselves.
I’m not going to proofread this entry because it’ll never get posted. If there are errors, read around them. But if anyone’s reading and thinks either “yeah, this happens to me,” or “this is made up, nobody really listens to each other anymore,” or even, “it’s ok, Will, we’ll wait for you to become friends with us in your own time,” by all means comment and tell me so!
on June 25th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Maybe I’m not quite so worried about it, but I feel like a complete social retard when it comes to small talk. When I know people well enough that I should talk to them, but not to an intimate level, I feel completely helpless. I can’t think of interesting things to say, or I can’t think of something cool to say, or I sound like an idiot.
Strangers - I can deal with strangers. I can small talk with people I only just met as easily as anything. And people I’m close with, I don’t feel stupid being silent, so there isn’t any pressure associated with the conversation. It’s acquaintances or outer-circle friends I struggle with.
What I’m time to say is, I feel some of your pain. Like you, “I can get along with easily to the kind of person who talks a lot and about themselves” but usually “I will be waiting for them to mention something that we have in common”.
I’m kinda glad it’s not just me that finds this stuff hard.
on June 25th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
This sure happens to me, 100%. Sometimes even with people I *do* know pretty well, especially if I haven’t seen them for a period of time :/ Methinks this is what comes of spending my school days in the classroom instead of on the smoking field — not a lot of practice
One of the positive things about being at Cambridge was that even though nobody knew each other at first, *everyone* (mathematicians, at least) was obviously like this, and so everyone explicitly agreed to just not care about it.
Anyway, since my acquaintances don’t cross the street to avoid me, I figure most of this thinking is in my head…
And, Will, you express yourself better in writing than most people can, so you probably don’t need to worry
on June 26th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Small talk is just that. Something invented for small people, tall individuals such as yourself suffer from a minor form of oxygen depletion at hight and thus fail to be able to perform said small talk. Only by focusing on a worthwhile, interesting and topical discussions does this compensate for the oxygen depletion by stimulating the mind.
It’s a common problem and short of carrying around your own tank of air supplied from 2 ft below your nostrils can solve it.
That or your just socially awkward like EVERYONE ELSE.
on July 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Its coz your a nerd lol.