WillWybrow.com

The new Star Trek movie was pretty enjoyable. Loads of explosions in space and aliens and rebelliousness — everything a healthy diet needs. But there weren’t very many people watching it.

There were two showings within a short time this evening: one at 5pm and one at 5:35pm. I was at the cinema for 5:15pm and barely saw anyone. A screenful of people could have already gone in. But if there were two showings so close to each other, one would expect it to be pretty teeming, right?

There were about fifteen people in our screen. A group of friends behind us and then three couples. Couples?! Is Star Trek a “couples” film? Keep in mind that the undoubtably terrible new Matthew McConaughey film “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” was on at the same time. Maybe that’s where all the people were except for those three couples? I don’t know. Star Trek just didn’t seem like the kind of film you’d go on a date to watch.

Anyway, yeah, it was a pretty good film. Go see it some time. I am going to watch the new Dan Brown adaptation about the Vatican’s fictional crackdown on 19th century geometrists later in the week, Angles and Demons. I’ll let you know how it is…

Step one: find something that a lot of stupid people love (Lee Evans, Christianity, etc.).

Step two: say that it sucks.

This will guarantee that the idiots come flooding in.

Hey, if anyone ever invites you to sit down and watch the film Wanted with them, RUN. Kick them in the groin and turn around and leave.

There are so many things wrong with this film that I hate the fact it made any money. Film makers should be honest with their film trailers and include relevant information (such as a warning branding the film as a load of bollocks) that informs potential viewers of what to expect.

Better start at the beginning, I suppose, with the film’s premise. A thousand years ago, a secret society of weavers was formed because they had magical powers to slow down time and kill people very easily. Stop reading for a moment and let that sink in. Weavers. People who make cloth out of threads. A thousand years ago, hardcore assassins would have been Medieval knights or something equally as cool, not cloth makers. I can’t think what kind of shit was thrown away as the writers decided that this was the best idea for a backstory that they could come up with.

The film got an 18 certificate. The thing is, it was narrated by the main character, who seems to take the approach of delivering motivational commentary in a style that might inspire 12-15 year-old males. Every time I listened to his voice, I was put in mind of some of the vocal work employed by Sega in some of their more recent Sonic the Hedgehog titles. Now, Sonic the Hedgehog is fifteen years old, and it’s not hard to imagine that he’d be portrayed as such by the actors voicing him. The only people who are going to look up to a fifteen year-old are kids around that age.

Next, the big hook of this film: bullet curving. You can’t curve a bullet. Game over, film idea is worthless.

The secret society of weavers recruit the hero guy to take down some rogue Jedi assassin who defected and killed the main hero’s father. But then we find out that the rogue assassin is the guy’s father and so the hero has to go back to kill the guys that recruited him in the first place. Well, that actually starts happening about 30 minutes in, after nearly a third of the film is spent explaining how bad the hero’s prior life is.

The society of weavers obey a giant magical loom that weaves binary code (UTF-8 maybe, the encoding was never satisfactorily explained) into a big cloth that spells out the name of the victims that the weavers have to kill.

A GIANT MAGICAL LOOM weaves the NAMES OF VICTIMS into a cloth. A magical fucking sentient (presumably) giant loom somehow decides people to kill (the weavers call it “fate”) and prints out the name, in binary, on a big sheet.

The weavers then (somehow) find the person (it is unexplained how they find them — Google, we must presume) and kill the person.

Also there is one Russian guy who ties bombs to rats, who tells the hero how to catch rats. Then rats are used when the hero blows up the weavers’ castle.

This film made no sense. The stuff that was feasible was either unnecessary to the plot or just stupid, and the stuff that was infeasible was just stupid. Please don’t watch this film, for your own good.