WillWybrow.com

The Tool Chronicler was a much better blogger than I am. I have lost it over the years. All I chat about these days is the mundane stuff that happens in my life. There is no more of the ranting at ill-educated single mothers who smoke over their children, or rude people who expect to be appreciated despite their discourteous attitude. No more complaining about idiots who can’t use the self-checkouts at the supermarket; they’re just laughed off nowadays. There’s not even that little feeling of superiority when I realise that these people just aren’t as perceptive as I am, and if I looked at the world through their eyes, I’d be a touch less self aware and maybe see everything through a foggy haze, or as though I’d been drinking a bit.

It’s because everyone’s much cleverer now. And more serious. I can’t just yell at an idea without having some solid reasons, or my criticisms will be open to criticisms. So that just leaves me with moaning about bad personal experiences (installing Linux) or jesting at things we can all agree are bad ideas (religion).

But I still hate Million Dollar Baby (because it’s shit).

This is a follow on from my awesome discovery of ToolChronicles archives back from when I didn’t exist to lots of you, but it’s an idea that’s been with me for a long time. On the 6th of March, this post enjoyed its private 2-year anniversary. It has a timeless air about it, however, and despite it being jotted down in a spare twenty minutes, it’s got a sexy, nostalgic voice to it.

Million Dollar Baby

The film starts with a dull, boring tale of a boxing gymnasium, and some woman who can’t box. There’s something in there about her age, but only a woman could care. So, we’ve set up a main character. Good work, Eastwood; your directing skills astound me. Next, we’re introduced to 10 other people, only one of which actually needed to be cast in the film, but maybe two. Morgan Freeman and this Old Guy were the significant ones, and there were a bunch of guys who frequented the gym to box. The gym was only a setting, and the guys were really only a part of that setting. They didn’t have a clearly defined story, they just went to the gym. That was understood within a few minutes, but we keep getting gym scenes of men boxing. They have no relevance. Every scene should have a significance in a film. The scene where the Boxing Bitch is pounding a bag unprofessionally showed what a poor boxer she was at the start of the film: it had a purpose. The scenes of the gym after that were purely idle filler. Now, on to the poor storyline.

Old Guy was persuaded by Morgan Freeman to train Boxing Bitch; he didn’t want to but the awesome persuasive power of Morgan Freeman caused him to anyway. After a brief session, Someone Else trained her for a bit, and then pitted her against another woman.

Someone Else turned out to blow at training, because Boxing Bitch was getting beaten. She was almost devastatingly owned when Old Guy steps in, gives her a pointer and she wins. Then, all of a sudden, she’s a boxer so awesome that she can beat everyone in the first round, after one sentence of encouragement. Thanks for that, Eastwood: you can’t direct.

She wins some, she wins some more. Then she enters a fight with some Woman Champion of the Boxing World. Woman Champion of the Boxing World gives Boxing Bitch a few good elbows to the face, and hits her while she’s down. This pisses everyone off something awful, and things break up. They fight some more, get tired, and someone puts a stool in the corner of the ring for Boxing Bitch to sit on. Instead, Woman Champion of the Boxing World slugs her in the face when her back’s turned, and Boxing Bitch falls over and breaks her neck on the stool. I could only laugh out ‘owned’.

The rest of the story is about Boxing Bitch, her mother and her paralysis. Eventually, Morgan Freeman persuades (he’s good at persuading) Old Guy to kill her. The end. What a WASTE OF MY TIME.

It’s shit, it didn’t deserve any of the awards it got. Don’t see this film.

By the way, if you haven’t seen this film, the above entry contains spoilers.