#WANGINGOUT TEXT ADVENTURE

You are standing in your office at DESY. Before you is a DESK, upon which is your COMPUTER. To the WEST there is a DOOR. Around the room is a display of TRINKETS indicative of your many INTERESTS. To the EAST there is a WINDOW. TAKE INTERESTS You cannot take your INTERESTS! TAKE WINDOW USE WINDOW The WINDOW is firmly fixed in the WALL and cannot be taken. You do, however, open the WINDOW. Outside you hear the low noise of cars in the street, and the faint sounds of children playing. USE COMPUTER The COMPUTER is not turned on! TURN ON COMPUTER Ok. You depress the power button on the computer and eagerly await the familiar sound of mechanical parts whirring to life. But, alas, nothing happens. It appears the COMPUTER is missing some COMPONENTS. GO WEST Frustrated with the technological situation here in your OFFICE, you attempt to USE the DOOR. The DOOR is locked! INSPECT COMPUTER You crack open the case of your beloved COMPUTER to see what is missing. The COMPUTER will need at least one HARD DRIVE and at least one RAM before it can work again. FIND <IRISH GIRL> You think long and hard about where your COMPONENTS could have disappeared to. Your FRIEND is probably responsible. She has a reputation for CELTIC JAPES like that. INSPECT DESK The DESK is made of a dark, rich wood. It smells fragrant. On its surface you have scratched "JAMIE RULEZ" with your set of keys. On your desk is a WIRELESS MOUSE and WIRELESS KEYBOARD. Your DESK has three DRAWERS in the side. INSPECT DRAWERS The first DRAWER contains a multitude of WRITING IMPLEMENTS. The second DRAWER contains a SPARE MOUSE and a PACKET OF BREATH MINTS. The third DRAWER is EMPTY. OPEN TOP DRAWER You inspect the WRITING IMPLEMENTS more closely to discover: 2x BLACK BIRO. 1x BLUE BIRO. 3x BLACK DRY-ERASE MARKER. 1x SIMILARLY-LOOKING PERMANENT MARKER. 3x PERSONALISED PENCILS TAKE EMPTY You cannot take EMPTY! USE BREATH MINTS You slam back one of the delightful BREATH MINTS before remembering your hatred of breath mints. You spit out the MINT violently and it flies down the back of your DESK, slick with saliva. The DESK takes one point of damage. The DESK appears: HEALTHY. TAKE PENCILS You add the PERSONALISED PENCILS to your INVENTORY after taking a fond look over the silver inlaid JAMIE RULEZ in the shaft. They jab you uncomfortably in the leg while they are in your POCKET. TAKE PERMANENT MARKER You add the PERMANENT MARKER to your INVENTORY. USE PERMANENT MARKER No sense letting a prize weapon like this go to waste. You scrawl a number of VEINY PENISES on the walls of your OFFICE and mark it with your personal sign-off SCREW FLANDERS. CHECK INVENTORY In your INVENTORY you have: 1x PERMANENT MARKER. 3x PERSONALISED PENCILS. 1x SET OF KEYS. 1x MOBILE PHONE. STACK OF BUSINESS CARDS. 1x PACKET OF GOLDFISH FEED. SNIFF MARKER You USE the PERMANENT MARKER on yourself. Woah, that's solventy! You take a +1 boost to your ENERGY and you have made a BLACK MARK under your nose that you cannot see. OPEN DOOR You use the SET OF KEYS on your OFFICE DOOR and exit WEST into the CORRIDOR. You are in the CORRIDOR. To the EAST is your UNLOCKED OFFICE. To the NORTH is a STAIRWELL. To the SOUTH are MORE OFFICES. INSPECT BLACK MARK You thoughtfully touch a finger to where you're sure you accidentally nudged your face with the MARKER. But you have no way of knowing. You inadvertently smear ink further across your face. USE STACK OF BUSINESS CARDS ON OFFICES It is a great opportunity to get in a bit of office networking. You go SOUTH down the CORRIDOR and pop a BUSINESS CARD under each OFFICE DOOR your pass. Your STACK OF BUSINESS CARDS is 20% depleted. You are at the SOUTH END of the CORRIDOR, facing SOUTH. There is a BALCONY overlooking the GROUND FLOOR LOBBY. To the NORTH is the CORRIDOR. GO NORTH You are in the CORRIDOR. There are eight OFFICE DOORS, behind each of which is the OFFICE of a COWORKER at DESY. Your OFFICE DOOR is wide open. TAKE COWORKER You move to the nearest OFFICE DOOR that is not your own and read the NAME PLAQUE. It says "PETER HERBERT ROOM 205". You hear nothing behind the OFFICE DOOR and the DOOR itself is LOCKED. You are sure that PETER will get back to you later, given his OFFICE floor is now home to one of your snazzy BUSINESS CARDS WAIT FOR PETER You begin to wait in the CORRIDOR for PETER. Before long your PATIENCE GAUGE reaches zero. To pass the time, you begin alternating between huffing the PERMANENT MARKER and doodling more PENISES on the walls. OPEN DOORS You walk to the BALCONY and methodically try the handle on each OFFICE DOOR. They are all locked but yours, which swings slightly as you rush past it on your way up the CORRIDOR. You are at the NORTH end of the CORRIDOR. There is a WINDOWED STAIRWELL that is baking hot like a greenhouse. What were they thinking putting all this curved glass in? JUMP BALCONY You take one more huff of the PERMANENT MARKER for luck, and bolt down the entire length of the CORRIDOR before tripping on an unset FLAP OF CARPET near ROOM 208. You faceplant the GROUND and are UNCONSCIOUS. You are now PETER HERBERT. WALK TO OFFICE You are already in your OFFICE! INSPECT OFFICE You are standing in your OFFICE. To the NORTH is your DESK. Upon it is your elegant if much maligned UNDERWOOD TYPEWRITER which you use for all your cherished WORK. Beside it are stacks of BLANK PAPER. Your DESK is made of a cheap soft wood. It smells a bit rungient. To the WEST there is a WINDOW. The room is bathed in SUNLIGHT. In each corner of the OFFICE is a POTTED PLANT. Your DESK PHONE is off its hook for some reason. There is a BUSINESS CARD on the floor near your office door. RETRIEVE HANDS You open the TOP DRAWER of your DESK and pull out your PLASTIC CLAPPY HANDS. These things are great when you need a little pick me up. Just wind them up and bam, instant applause. USE PLASTIC CLAPPY HANDS You wind up the clappy hands and set them to applauding you on your desk. The OFFICE is filled with an AURA OF REWARD. Your PRIDE stat gains a +5 bonus and hikes up your HUBRIS stat along with it. USE TYPEWRITER You grab a fresh sliver of EXECUTIVE BOND PAPERSTOCK and roll it onto the drum of the UNDERWOOD. Just as you put finger to key, however, you notice something: your UNDERWOOD is missing some of its precious COMPONENTS. To use the UNDERWOOD you will need to supply it with at least one SPOOL OF INKTAPE and at least one UNDERWOOD MODEL 5 LETTER 'L' INSPECT DESK PHONE As part of your INTEREST in OUTDATED TECHNOLOGY, your ROTARY PHONE is a vintage piece. While it is still functional on the PLAIN OLD TELEPHONE SYSTEM, the connector haphazardly crammed into the RJ45 JACK on your OFFICE WALL is designed for a bygone age. TAKE OFFICE WALL You step to the NORTH side of your OFFICE and manhandle down the PARTITION WALL between your room and your neighbour's OFFICE. It is too large to fit in your INVENTORY, however. CHECK INVENTORY You pat down your pockets to check your INVENTORY. You are holding: 1x SEEING MONOCLE. 1x SWANSFEATHER QUILL. 1x EMPTY INKWELL. 2x ELEGANT GOLD QUILL NIBS. 1x FIVE-LETTER CRYPTEX. CHECK SIZE OF INVENTORY Your INVENTORY SIZE stat is currently: 14. INSPECT CRYPTEX This piece of junk again. You don't know why you keep bringing it everywhere. That lousy friend of yours and her CELTIC JAPES gave you a CRYPTEX and not a single clue as to the WORD to unlock it. Five RINGS contain each of the 26 GLYPHS OF THE LATIN ALPHABET. They are spun such that the message at the marker reads KNOBS. SET CRYPTEX "WANGS" You turn the CRYPTEX to say WANGS. Much better! It remains steadfastly CLOSED, however. INSPECT DOOR While once rather plain, it has had a VINYL DECAL placed over it to make it resemble a medieval STUDDED OAK DOOR. The inside door handle has been replaced with an ORNATE BRASS REPLICA of the handles you're pretty sure KING HENRY VIII had on his doors. EXIT OFFICE You try to use your FLESH CLAPPY HANDS on the ORNATE BRASS. It is cold, sturdy and naturally antiseptic. Who could want any other material guarding the portal to their office? But the door is LOCKED! INSPECT DESK DRAWERS You move over to your CHEAP DESK and slide out the three DRAWERS one by one. The TOP DRAWER contains your ATHSMA INHALER. Never leave a locked OFFICE without it! It also contains a countless multitude of INHALER CARTRIDGES that from sight alone cannot be identified as FULL or EMPTY. The SECOND DRAWER contains your treasued ANTIQUES. There is a BRASS POCKETWATCH. A BRASS SEXTANT. A BRASS BILLOWS. A SILVER AND PEARL PENDANT. A KING JAMES BIBLE with a THOUGHTFUL INSCRIPTION. The THIRD DRAWER contains a highly fashionable and computationally-advanced LAPTOP COMPUTER which you put safely away in the drawer so as to preserve your OFFICE's unique AESTHETIC. Also squirrelled away here is your CISCO IP PHONE and your DESY KEYCARDS. TAKE INHALER You add the INHALER to your INVENTORY. SEXT You put the SEXTANT in your INVENTORY and approach the WINDOW. You know the distances between every remote object out here already, having spent many an INKRIBBON-less hour staring out of it with your nautical device. OPEN WINDOW You jiggle the various handles and knobs to slide the SUICIDE-RESISTANT WINDOW up about six inches. A welcomed BREEZE enters the stuffy OFFICE. JUMP OUT OF WINDOW You gear up to take a run at the WINDOW anyway, backing up against your door. But suddenly, a painful sounding THUMP from outside your OFFICE judders the floor. It sounds like someone has just painfully faceplanted the FLOOR in the CORRIDOR outside. You rethink your intention to jump at the WINDOW. READ BIBLE You retrieve the KING JAMES BIBLE and thumb through to your favourite passage, Ezekiel 23:20-21: "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled" Suddenly the WELCOME BREEZE seems insufficient as a LEWD FLUSH creeps up the back of your neck. Thank goodness you remembered to lock your OFFICE! WORNK At that point, the PLASTIC CLAPPY HANDS run out of WIND-UP POWER. It's like they know. Your SHAME stat increases by 4. Regardless, you haven't come this far. You take a seat at your DESK and prepare to wornk like you've never wornked before. ... You are sitting in your OFFICE. On your DESK is a STICKY UNDERWOOD TYPEWRITER. A stack of BUSINESS-GRADE PAPERBOND glistens in the early afternoon SUNLIGHT. Your ENERGY stat is at the daily low, and your RELAXATION stat has a temporary +5 buff. There's nothing for it; you are just going to have to sleep this one off before you can even think about finding the key to your OFFICE DOOR. You stretch out on the floor in a shaft of SUNLIGHT like a LAZY FELINE and begin a restorative SNOOZE. You are now JAMIE. WORNK Your head feels like you just slammed it into the ground real hard. Your GROGGINESS stat is running at a +35 CONCUSSION BOON SPECTACULAR and your interpretation of GAME COMMANDS might be a little fuzzy. STAND You are STANDING in a CORRIDOR on the FIRST FLOOR of a DESY building. At your feet is a small POOL OF BLOOD and a TOOTH CHIP. You think you hear some manly sexual grunting coming from one of the OFFICES in the CORRIDOR, but that could be just the bash to the head talking. LOOK AROUND The room spins at a slightly different rate than your head turns, giving you a powerful sensation of ORBITAL PARALLAX. You look over the BALCONY to the LOBBY below. Not another soul is in sight. That's usual, though, for a SUNDAY. You only came in here to pick up your BREATH MINTS anyway. CHECK INVENTORY In your INVENTORY you have: 1x PERMANENT MARKER. 3x PERSONALISED PENCILS. 1x SET OF KEYS. 1x MOBILE PHONE. STACK OF BUSINESS CARDS (80% ammo). 1x PACKET OF GOLDFISH FEED. GO TO OFFICE You enter your OFFICE, though it takes you a few attempts to line up your path with the DOORWAY. RETRIEVE BREATH MINTS You equip the roll of BREATH MINTS from earlier. They are an import from former Yugoslavia and are illegal under EU law owing to their legendary BREATH-FRESHENING propetrties. GO HOME You exit your OFFICE and step into the CORRIDOR, closing and locking the DOOR behind you. That grunting from earlier has ceased now, so hopefully you're on the mend enough to go straight home without a trip to the HOSPITAL. But at your first ungainly step on the FLIGHT OF STAIRS, you realise you have made a HUGE MISTAKE. REGRET HUGE MISTAKE Your LEGENDARY STAIRMAGEDDON attack hits the FLIGHT OF STAIRS for 400 damage. You take 30 points of recoil damage to your already tender FACE ATTRIBUTE. The FLIGHT OF STAIRS flees! INSPECT FORMER LOCATION OF STAIRS You are now UNCONSCIOUS in the DESY BASEMENT until the GAME COMMAND INTERPRETER returns from LUNCH. LOAD GAME You are now EMMA MCBRIDE. You stand in the DESY BREAK ROOM on the GROUND FLOOR. You are waiting for your COWORKER JAMIE who promised to show you some INFEASIBLY POWERFUL BREATHMINTS to return from his first-floor office. You have just witnessed the north side's FLIGHT OF STAIRS take off in a V formation into the sky. You hope the DESY GROUNDSKEEPER can lure them back before JAMIE discovers the hilarious SABOTAGE you did to his OFFICE COMPUTER. Slap JAMIE You swat ineffectually in the direction of your COWORKER's OFFICE, but he is not here! INSPECT BREAK ROOM The BREAK ROOM is quiet today, SUNDAY. There are rows of CANTEEN TABLES upon which PHYSICISTS from the building can consume their ATOMIC MEALS. To the WEST is an exit to the LOBBY. To the NORTH is a LARGE WINDOWED WALL through which you can see across the GROUNDS. SHOUT "IT'S HAMMER TIME!" You take advantage of the weekend's quietness to yell outdated 90s slogans at the top of your voice. GO WEST You enter the DESY LOBBY. To the EAST is the DESY BREAK ROOM. To the NORTH is the EMPTY STAIRWELL. Is it still a stairwell without its stairs, you wonder? To the SOUTH is the MAIN DOOR. To the EAST are the GROUND FLOOR OFFICES, of which yours is one. WORNK You furtively glance around to assess the relative PRIVACY ATTRIBUTE of the DESY LOBBY. You ascertain that the environment is not secure enough for a WORNK. GO TO OFFICE You head EAST into the rather swanky CIRCULAR FOYER connecting the LOBBY to the GROUND FLOOR OFFICES. Yours is number 6. You were able to achieve this choice piece of realestate by being an exceptionally skilled PHYSIMANCER. ACCIDENTALLY ENTER WRONG OFFICE Your OFFICE DOOR is locked, but that's easily overcome by using your SKELETON KEY, a SABOTEUR's staple. You enter ROOM 105 by accident. LOOK AROUND You are in the OFFICE of another COWORKER, PIERRE ST. MONTSERRAT. It is dark in here, but you can make out PIERRE's DESK and some of the SPIRAL-BOUND NOTEBOOKS thereupon. INSPECT DESK You thread your way through the DARKNESS to the DESK. Stacked on top are piles of WORKBOOKS penned in some sort of INCOMPREHENSIBLE DEAD LANGUAGE piled into four colour-coded stacks, RED, GREEN, BLACK and PINK. There is a HEXAGONAL GROOVE around a central portion of the desk inside which are six WRITING PENCILS. INSPECT HEXAGONAL GROOVE It is a very fine GROOVE. You dislodge a PENCIL to get a better look and the door to the OFFICE slams shut, plunging you into complete darkness. READY A PENCIL ATTACK INSERT PENCIL INTO HEXAGONAL GROOVE You have dropped the PENCIL to the carpeted floor and your ECHOLOCATOR HEARING AID was unfortunately switched to the OFF position. INSPECT POCKETS You check your INVENTORY. You are carrying: 1x VTECH MY FIRST PARTICLE ACCELERATOR. 1x POCKET CALCULATOR. 1x SKELETON KEY. 1x SMALL CERAMIC GIRAFFE FIGURINE. 1x JAPANESE BREATH-DEFRESHENER SPRAY. 1x PHYSIMANCER'S PRIMER FLIP TABLE You use your DEBATER'S OUTRAGE to flip the DESK by feel alone. Pencils fly everywhere. You hear more mechanical locks to various escape routes slide into place. The DESK takes 25 points of damage. COMBINE RED WORKBOOK AND SMALL CERAMIC GIRAFFE FIGURINE You are not in the DESY COMBINATORY CHAMBER! You cannot practice ALCHEMY outside it! INSPECT VTECH ACCELERATOR Your VTECH MY FIRST PARTICLE ACCELERATOR is, by all accounts, a child's toy. But you keep it with you always because of the extreme sentimental value it carries, having sparked your initial interest in PHYSIMANCY from the tender age of FOUR. It is currently set to PROTON/ANTIPROTON setting. USE BREATH-DEFRESHENER SPRAY You decide you cannot wait for your COWORKER to return before you put this foul substance to the ultimate test. You uncap the bottle and an immediate rungient aroma fills your nostrils. It is sharp and sour and hot and claggy all at once. You didn't spend €400 to import this thing to not use it, though. You take a hit of it in the MOUTH. Your CHARISMA stat drops to -1000. QUESTION UNIVERSAL CONTINUITY After the wincing subsides from this jet of what you assume is rancid stale camel semen you deliberately put in your own mouth, you consider the PHILOSOPHICAL TOPIC of UNIVERSAL CONTINUITY. You observe that before the door slammed shut, there was some light entering the room. You also observe that this building contains the highest density of PHYSIMANCERS of any building in the world. You think that the FLIGHT OF STAIRS absconding after a FORMIDDABLE BATTLE is one of the less weird things you've seen this month. In the words of the great PHILOSOPHER FARNSWORTH, "anything can happen at any time for no reason." CRY FOR HELP You try to let out a shout for ASSISTANCE but the tinyest parting of your lips fills your nostrils with the BREATH DEFRESHENER and you immediately clamp them shut again. You ineffectually hum for help instead. SCORE Your SCORE is 1546. EMBODY PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH You resolve to think like the GREAT PHILOSOPHER. WWFD? The notable physimancer was perhaps most famous for his ability to detect remote objects by smell alone. You steel yourself for the olfactory attack and let out a long breath of defreshness, smelling for the aromatic echo. SCRUTINISE AROMA Your arodar lets you observe the shape and size of the room enough to perceive your way around. You are in a segment of the circular GROUND FLOOR OFFICE ROTUNDA. The inner WALL has a slightly curved DOOR set into it. There is a FLIPPED DESK in front of you and a SCATTERED MESS OF NOTEBOOKS all across the floor. There is a LIGHT SWITCH on the INNER WALL. The OUTER WALL houses a window with a BLACKOUT BLIND pulled over it. There is a HEXAGONAL TRAPDOOR beneath the DESK's former location. RAISE BLINDS You yank on the cord you think is in control of the blinds. It spins a hexagonal pulley above, but it seems to be disengaged from the blind-retracting reel for some reason. FALL DOWN TRAPDOOR You are far too GRACEFUL to fall down the TRAP DOOR. You give it a solid stomp on your way past to the BLINDS, though. You are now JAMIE. SLAP JAMIE You come to in a STORAGE ROOM of the DESY BASEMENT, having survived your fight against the FLIGHT OF STAIRS. You give yourself a quick SLAP just to check you are not dreaming. That was incredibly painful. It seems you have acquired the BROKEN JAW condition. DISREGARD JAW You try to man up and ignore the pain with a resolute clenching of your... aw, hell. That was incredibly painful, too. You are going to need to WIRE THAT THING SHUT. REPAIR JAW You look around the DESY STORAGE ROOM. There is plenty of WIRE about. ... Having successfully repaired your JAW, you have gained a level! JAMIE has reached the level CAPTAIN WHACKY. You have gained the following: SURVIVABILITY: +10. IMPULSIVENESS: +12. INTELLIGENCE -23. CHECK LEVEL Your LEVEL is LEVEL 5: CAPTAIN WHACKY. CHECK CHECK You check the CHECK that you gave yourself after falling down. It was solid. CASH CHEQUE You are not in the CHEQUE CASHING CASTLE! To get these clams in your pocket you are gonna have to make your way to the top floor of DESY. CHECK CZECH Your CZECH friend ALBERTEK is not here today, owing to the day's extremely high SUNDAY stat! RECALL PERSONAL OBJECTIVES You consult your PERSONAL OBJECTIVE IMPERATIVE. You are JAMIE DASS, aspiring PHYSIMANCER from the ISLE OF MAN. You are here at DESY generally to attain PHYSIMANCER LEVEL 10. You are here at DESY today to complete some work that overran during the WEEK. You have recruited your COWORKER EMMA MCBRIDE to assist. You are here in the storage room because of a STAIRMAGEDDON misfire. Your GOALS AND ASPIRATIONS are to ESCAPE THE BASEMENT. RECONVENE WITH EMMA. DEMONSTRATE BREATHMINTS. COMPLETE PHYSIMANCY. DISTRIBUTE BUSINESS CARDS. KICK ASS. GO HOME. CHECK CREDENTIALS Your CREDENTIALS identify you as a LEVEL 4 PHYSIMANCER of the FIRST FLOOR. You are gonna need to get those updated with your new LEVEL information just as soon as six weeks pass and your jaw is healed enough to talk. LOOK You are in the DESY STOREROOM. Row after row of SHELVES of STATIONARY, RUDIMENTARY ELECTRONICS, POTTED PLANTS and PROTON DISPENSERS fill the entire BASEMENT. Somewhere near the CENTRE of the room is a SPIRAL ESCALATOR that will take you to a LOBBY ANTECHAMBER, but you cannot see it from here. The room is dusty and list with INCANDESCENT BULBS in an ostentatious display of ENERGY INEFFICIENCY. But the COUNCIL OF ELDERS are also the best PHYSIMANCERS in the world, so they can get away with it. You are in the NORTHWEST corner of the room. Above you is a sunny glass flute where a FLIGHT OF STAIRS usually roosts. TAKE PROTON DISPENSER You acquire 1 PROTON DISPENSER. It is a small red plastic device with PDZ printed up the side, German for Proton DispenZer. The head of the DISPENSER is a moulded yellow plastic BELOVED CARTOON TEN-YEAR-OLD. You equip the PROTON DISPENSER in your primary WEAPON SLOT, displacing the BREATHMINTS to your INVENTORY. FIND ESCALATOR You begin traversing the rows of shelves up and down until you reach the SPIRESCALATOR FLUTE. The FLUTE HATCH is LOCKED! USE PROTON DISPENSER TO NEUTRALIZE BREATHSPRAY You do not have the BREATHSPRAY! You're not even sure what that is! DISPENSE PROTON You clack the head of the PDZ DISPENSER and fire a single PROTON. DESY takes 0 points of damage. You will have to lower its DEFENCES first! USE PROTON DISPENSER IN MOUTH You clack the PDZ DISPENSER in your own mouth and snack on the sweet chalky substance within. You take 5 points of damage but holy hell is it worth it. DISPENSE PROTON ON FLUTE HATCH LOCK You take up a side-on stance and focus your PHYSIMANCER training to bring to bear a VOLLEY OF PROTONS at the FLUTE HATCH LOCK! However, the LOCK is part of DESY and currently has IMMUNITY to PHYSIMANCER attacks! Good thing, too, or some of the experiments they do on the FIFTH FLOOR might punch a hole through REALITY. Your PDZ dispenser has been DEPLETED. USE KEYS You thumb through the KEYS on your KEYRING, figuring even a lowly LEVEL 4 (but LEVEL 5 elect) like you should have access to these crude commodities. You use the FLUTE HATCH KEY on the FLUTE HATCH LOCK. The SPIRESCALATOR is now UNLOCKED! SLAP REALITY. GENTLY. In a fit of jubilance you kick your heels together in a celebratory jump, knocking over a stack of proton dispensers in the process. As the crate of PDZ DISPENSERS unleashes all their PROTONS at once, they riccochet off an adjacent box of BLUE BIROS and cause a mild ripple in REALITY. SKIDADDLE THROUGH HATCH Time to get back up to the lobby and finish this little escapade already! You enter the hatch and press the only GO button inside the FLUTE. The SPIRESCALATOR begins to DESCEND. You facepalm gingerly and curse the overzealous GROUNDSKEEPER for prepping the SPIRESCALATOR for MONDAY MORNING by setting it to DESCALATE already. You are now Emma McBride again ADMIRE WINDOW VIEW Frustrated with the PENCIL-BASED SHENNANIGANS of this INFURIATING OFFICE, you give the blind flap the good old IRISH YANK and just rip it off the fixing. Outside is a beautiful vista of the DESYRT, a microbiome of CACTI, SCOPRIONS and OASES. UNLOCK OFFICE WITH SKELETON KEY You don't know why you didn't just try this before. Skeleton keys trump pencil locks, that's pretty much the first lesson in Physimancer school. The HEXAGONAL GROOVE is merely to shut off all DISTRACTIONS while PIERRE does his WORK. TAKE HEXAGONAL GROOVE You start to haul the DESK towards the DOOR as you go, but soon give up because you cannot hope to fit it through once you get there! You are back in the GROUND FLOOR OFFICE ROTUNDA, standing outside OFFICE 5 OF 11. The twelfth door is the one through which you entered. ENTER OWN OFFICE At last, the safe haven of FORT EMMA. There's no shortage of lights in here, and your CELTIC KNOT GROOVE has all its PENCILS in place too, for which your GRATEFULNESS stat increases by four. NAP You grab your DREW BARRYMORE blanket and curl up in the middle of your SPACIOUS OFFICE. You fall asleep quickly. You are now DREAM EMMA. You are DREAM EMMA MCBRIDE, LEVEL 10 PHYSIMANCER. You have an interest in FRIENDLY SABOTAGE, which you refer to as just your CELTIC JAPES. You work at DESY on ADVANCED PARTICALCHEMY on the TOP FLOOR. It is your hope to one day join the COUNCIL OF DESYLDERS You take your CELTIC HERITAGE very seriously, going as far as to make up FICTITIOUS TERMS for things by putting the word CELTIC in front of an unrelated word. You stand currently in the DREAM VERSION of your DESY OFFICE. Your DESK is up against one of the two STRAIGHT WALLS in the room. Atop it is a TEN COMMANDTOP stand where you place your WORK TABLETS, though they are currently locked away in one of your DRAWERS. On the other wall is a WARDROBE and a HAT RACK, each brimming with various ARTICLES OF FINERY. SPROUT DREAMWINGS You furrow your DREAM BROW and use it to conjure a pair of majestic DREAM WINGS. COUNT WALLS OF DREAM OFFICE There are FOUR walls of your DREAM OFFICE, that is to say the OFFICE in which you are currently DREAM STANDING, and not some IMAGINARY IDEAL of the PERFECT WORKSPACE. You are in a segment of the GROUND FLOOR OFFICE ROTUNDA, and the GEOMETRY of your OFFICE follows logically from that. Even in your DREAMS you try to keep things LOGICAL, at least until you get out into the wider DREAMSCAPE. FLY AWAY Your attempts to even spread your DREAM WINGS are defeated by the lack of SPACE in the OFFICE. INSPECT DREAM INVENTORY Your DREAM INVENTORY contains: 1x WISH. 1x DREAM WING GROOMING TONGS. 1x CELESTIAL BOWL. 1x VOODOO SAM ROCKWELL. 1x DREAM SKELETON KEY. 1x DREAM SKELETON. 1x FLASK OF "WAKE-UP JUICE" FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE PART THREE USE DREAM SKELETON KEY ON DREAM SKELETON You unlock your DREAM SKELETAL COMPANION! You are now the DREAM SKELETON! You've just been brought to DREAM LIFE by the girl on the floor of this DREAM OFFICE. You feel like the luckiest DREAM SKELETON in the world. You just hope she doesn't ask you to play SAM ROCKWELL'S CORPSE in her DREAM REENACTMENTS of MOON again. It's such a lousy role. PLAY CHOPSTICKS ON DREAM RIBCAGE You remove the SKELETON KEY from your INVENTORY and really go to town on your own RIBS. You get absorbed wholly into the sweet xylobone melody that takes you back to your SKELETON CHILDHOOD. Your NOSTALGIA stat gains a +15 boost. Your NOSTALGIA as a former human body is already pretty high, and this boost is enough to skyrocket you into the next LEVEL! You attain the level GENIUS AT WORK, granting you the ability to play any note from any rib! REPAIR BASEMENT REALITY RIP WITH DREAM NOSTALGIA The DREAM SKELETON exits the DREAM OFFICE and the DREAM ROTUNDA, heading out to the DREAM LOBBY. From here you can see DREAM PETER watching from the balcony on the FIRST FLOOR where he has made much more progress than his corporeal self, that you would assume is still trapped in the post-masturbatory NAP if you even knew a single thing about PETER's exploits today or even that he was here. You are now DREAM PETER. You stand and watch a SKELETON cross the floor of the DESY LOBBY. You'd call down to it but are just a bit embarrassed by your DREAM ERECTION that is a permanent side-effect of going to sleep after a wank, and don't want to draw undue attention to yourself. Aw, fuck, it just looked right at you with its hollow, dead eyes. You feel the SHAME FLUSH creep up your DREAM NECK. THINK OF MARGARET THATCHER Your DREAM THOUGHTS conjure MARGARET THATCHER into DREAM DESY. Her IRON DEMEANOR soon put paid to your SHAMEFUL BONER, and you are actually quite grateful to her before she turns away from you and flies down to the DREAM LOBBY. RELEASE DREAM THIGH MUSCLE FLEX ENERGY AT MARGARET THATCHER USING KICK You leap after her in an attempt to head her off. She can no doubt smell the EUROPEAN SOCIALISM all over this place, and if she becomes too ENRAGED she could tear a hole in REALITY itself! Her STATELY PACE lets you easily wrap your blood-filled thighs around THATCHER's neck. You unleash a powerful tide of THIGH PASSION into her FROSTY VEINS, temporarily incapacitating her. You are going to need to wake up before she gets her shit together, or this whole continent will be toast. DRINK WAKE UP JUICE You don't have any WAKE UP JUICE WAKE UP Your usual method of waking up is to conjure DREAM EMMA WATSON. It usually pulls you out of the DREAM just as soon as things start getting hot and heavy, but with the legendary erection-nullifying THATCHER AURA, that's never going to happen. FEED DREAM EMMA MCBRIDE FLASK OF "WAKE-UP JUICE" FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE PART THREE You know that SKELETON had to come from *somewhere* so you head into the DREAM ROTUNDA to trace its location. As you phase through OFFICE DOORS one after the other... You are now AWAKE JAMIE LOOK AROUND The DESCALATOR has DESCALATED to the UNDERBASEMENT. Here is where the DARK PHYSIMANCERS practice the FORBIDDEN ECHELONS of SCIENCE. The SYMBOL OF THE DEEP, a SIX-SIDED REGULAR POLYGON, adorns each of the six exits from this initial chamber. LOOK FOR TRAPS There are bear traps covering every inch of the hexagonal floor here. You have already stepped in three of them and they are clinging to your leg. You barely noticed with your wired-shut inability to cry out in agony, but tears are streaming from your poor eyes as you hobble out of the DESCALATOR. You are rapidly losing points from your PLUCK stat. You'd better find something around here to pop the cap off and huff if you're ever going to make it to one of these six FORBIDDEN ROOMS. LOOK FOR CAPPED STIMULANTS You huff the last of your PERMANENT MARKER fumes and toss the discarded pen into the nearest BEAR TRAP. THROW DEPLETED PDZ DISPENSER AT BEAR TRAPS TO SET THEM OFF The TRAPS set off without LEGS in them jump off the ground with an undampened snap, triggering a BEAR TRAP CHAIN REACTION that ripples through the SECRET CHAMBER. DESY takes 50 points of damage. The way to the HEXALLY-MARKED SECRET DANGER ROOMS is now clear. ENTER DOOR 1 The doors all look identical, and your arbitrary selected DOOR 1 could be any of them. But you enter it regardless and it slams shut behind you. You are in SECRET ROOM 1. A sign just inside the room tells you it is the SINGER SUITE. At the far end of the room is what looks like an ELEVATOR DOOR. On a pedestal in the centre of the room is something that looks like a cross between a handheld drill and a reel-to-reel tape player. EXAMINE PEDESTAL This is the DELUXE MODEL B of RICHARD BRANSON's VIRGIN PEDESTAL range. Its model designation is the PDX-8500 and its serial number is 89996-5577-0000002. You estimate it is worth fourteen TROY OUNCES of GOLD. CALL VIRGIN PEDESTAL CUSTOMER SERVICE HELPLINE You quickly equip your MOBILE PHONE to give BRANSON's cronies an earful of your extreme dissatisfaction with their products, but this far underground and with DREAM THATCHER on the loose in the IMAGINARY DREAM WORLD, you'd be lucky to get Radio 1, let alone a GSM mobile signal. EXAMINE REEl-TO-REEL/DRILL SOMETHING The device is a BRIGHT BEIGE, has a handle, a trigger, a battery back in the base of the handle, a nozzle with a curious drill-bit, around which winds some UNDERWOOD TYPEWRITER INKTAPE sourced by one spool and leading into another. There is a pair of THREAD SCISSORS tucked into a small indentation on the body, and the device itself is marked with a brass plate engraved with the word SINGER. TAKE INKTAPE You are wary about trying to manually unspool tape from this device's reels, so you delay the decision by just picking up the whole unit. You place the CHRONOSTITCH to your INVENTORY. Whoo boy, this ain't your grandmother's HOME ECONOMANCY class. OPEN DOOR You slap the button next to the ELEVATOR DOOR. Your MARKER is expended so there'll be no PENISES drawn in this room. Luckily it arrives promptly and with no more interruptions and artificially-created detours, the ELEVATOR ascends through a hexagonal shaft into the office of one PIERRE ST. MONTSERRAT. What the hell happened in here? There are pencils and notebooks all over the floor, and it looks like someone tore sweet PIERRE's BLIND down in frustration! You decide that, since you really don't want PIERRE to think that all this was you, you are going to spend some time righting his DESK and replacing his PENCILS, which you suspect you'll need to do in order to get out of his OFFICE anyway. You are now the DREAM SKELETON. Having descended in the DESCALATOR to the BASEMENT in search of an alleged RIP IN REALITY, all you've found is a tiny RIPPLE IN REALITY. They happen all the time and are barely dangerous at all. REPAIR RIPPLE ANYWAY Your clumsy SKELETAL CLAPPING HANDS fondle the ripple with their sharp bony tips. At no point has anyone ever tried to repair the FABRIC OF REALITY without the appropriate EQUIPMENT, and you can just about see why. You accidentally make a TEAR in REALITY. DESY's defences are ineffectual in the DREAM WORLD and DESY takes 900 points of OH SHIT damage. INSPECT DESY DESY: the LAST BASTION OF HOPE for the REAL WORLD. As horrific as the REAL WORLD can be, it pales in comparison next to the BRUTALITY stat of even the most mild imaginary or dream horrors. The dedicated PHYSIMANCERS at DESY are charged with the safekeeping of the DREAM GATEWAY to prevent these horrors spilling over to the other side. If DESY takes too much damage or its PHYSIMANCY EQUIPMENT is used IMPROPERLY, every nightmare will cross into the world and start messing shit up! Current health: 1200/2100 HP HEAL DESY Haven't your SKELETAL CLAPPING HANDS done enough? Apparently not. You plunge your hands into the flapping wound in REALITY to give it another crack. You are sucked through the hole in REALITY into the REAL WORLD. You are now REAL DREAM SKELETON in the REAL DESY BASEMENT. Such strange new sensations! Such inability to fly at will! Such reliable, predictable physics! What realm is this where a guy must feel so restricted? Ooh, PDZ DISPENSER! TAKE PDZ DISPENSER SKIDADDLE THROUGH HATCH You grab as many PDZ DISPENSERS as you can carry in your bony mits and abscond through the SPIRESCALATOR FLUTE down to the HEXAGONAL SECRET CHAMBER. You are now DREAM MARGARET THATCHER. The ice-cold efficiency of right-wing politics courses through your veins. What power can withstand the mighty culling force of nature called COMPETITION? It made us the humans we are today, and it will make us strong. We will need strength for what's coming. This place reeks of the RED WEAKNESS. If these people wanted equality, they'd have robots, not children. This place is a monument to protecting the weak at the expense of the great. In your youth you studied ALCHEMISTRY and were up there with the best of them. You understand this place like those washy liberals never could. The transdimensional "safety net". The Nanny State. It must be dismantled. It must be torn down to allow a true free market. If the horrorterrors of the dreamscape put someone out of a job, maybe they should just work harder. Your BATLIKE EARS detect a rip in the FABRIC OF REALITY below. This is your chance. Your great chance. DISMANTLE SOCIAL STATE You cast your ALCHEMISTRAL SPELL on DESY from within the DREAM WORLD. The structure of the building starts to crumble, dropping a hole in the floor below. DESY takes 300 points of damage. LOOK You are in the DREAM LOBBY of DREAM DESY. To the WEST is the DREAM CANTEEN. To the SOUTH are the MAIN DOORS. In the floor is a HOLE through which you can see the RIP IN REALITY. It is your goal. But in the REAL WORLD, DESY is equipped with a multiplicitude of SAFEGUARDS that must be lowered if it is to be brought down. look stairwell You take note of the STAIRWELL in which can plainly be seen an adequate number of stairs. It appears the FLIGHT is much less skittish in the dream world than the real world. go stairs You know the DESY DEFENCES are on the very top floor, and that's where you'll have to strike in order to destroy this place. But you'll need to get back through the TEAR before your DREAMER wakes up and deconjures you. be jamie dass You are now JAMIE DASS. You have righted the room of your colleague PIERRE and unlocked his door by manipulating the HEXAGONAL GROOVE and its many PENCIL SWITCHES. exit office You exit into the GROUND FLOOR OFFICE ROTUNDA. The OFFICE of your COWORKER EMMA is number 6. Enter door 6 The DOOR is locked! use chronostitcher on door You STITCH THE FABRIC of the DOOR. It is now impossible to pass through in either the DREAM or REAL WORLD, like a seamstress who runs both sides of the dress through the machine accidentally. be skeleton You are now the REAL DREAM SKELETON go through door 1 Again, it is a rotationally symmetrical room with no obvious indicator of which door is door 1. But you go through DOOR 1. You are in SECRET ROOM 5. At the far end of the room is an ORNATE STAIRCASE leading up. In the middle of the room is a VIRGIN MODEL PTH-350 PLINTH Atop the plinth stands what looks like an electric carving knife, except with a two-pronged fork instead. inspect forky device The FORKY DEVICE, upon closer inspection, probably more resembles an unserrated crab's claw than a fork. The asymmetrical prongs are oriented vertically and the label next to the BRIGHT BEIGE haft of the devices says WHITECROFT. take forky device You add the SEAMRIFTER to your INVENTORY. USE SEAMRIFTER ON DOOR 6 You head up the ornate staircase and emerge in another one of the OFFICES adjoining the ROTUNDA. You are now DREAM PETER Having just taken Maggie Thatcher down with your incredible THIGH POWER, you are off in search of a way to wake up that doesn't involve you subconscious intervening in a sexy dream. You are trying each of the doors of the ROTUNDA when you reach the sixth. Unfortunately for you, at that moment the door was somehow rendered impassable, even in the dreamworld where walking through doors is as easy as walking through air. USE DOOR 3 You go into room 103 of the GROUND FLOOR OFFICES. You have never been in this room before and do not know what would be in it, so you dream it bare. Even the vista from the window is a grey canvas awaiting your every imaginary brushstroke. Just gotta be careful not to summon any more THATCHERS. RETURN TO ROTUNDA You exit the BLANK CANFICE